Filmmaker & Artist

Musings

Exodus to the Impetus

As of a week ago, I packed up all of my belongings, quit my jobs, said my goodbyes, and moved across the country. Thing is, it wasn't exactly like that. 

In 2011, I moved to New York City to study at NYU. I lived between New York and San Diego until last week. The formative years of my early-adulthood have been shaped between two of the biggest cities in the country. Now, where's next? 

I got the call. That dream call. The one you think will never happen but secretly think you are good enough for. Yep, that one. 

"We like you. If you can fly in next week, the job is yours."

No questions asked, no holds barred, I said:

"Yes!"

How romantic.

No synapse in my brain could have been quick enough to process and apply any logic. I had 3 days. I did not think about how many people I wouldn't get to say goodbye to, how I couldn't possibly bring every matroyshka doll and kitschy mug I had ever collected, or how I had $20 to my name. Then, I did. I was overwhelmed by the tug-of-war that gnawed at me. What if this job doesn't work out? What if I don't even get paid? What if I miss New York? What about my friends, my jobs, my LIFE? I was so distracted with these thoughts it almost made the packing process easy, because I ruthlessly and mindlessly was able to get rid of things and not even have an ounce of remembrance. 

Everyone had just as many questions as I did, if not more. I had never felt more encouraged in such a daunting yet exciting moment in my life (Perhaps, because this is a first). I joked about living in my car and eating Taco Bell; But, I had made sure I had a couch to crash on for my first week, Taco Bell was negotiable.

Three heel clicks later, I was back in California. I brushed my finger down the face of my iPhone at least 7 times every 15 minutes. Waiting. Waiting to hear when I will come in on Friday. No email. The next day (Wednesday) I mustered up the confidence to call and I was met by voicemail. Within moments, my email finally chimes and my phone rings almost faster. 

"I'm so, so sorry. It's totally out of my control. You wanted to be in California though right?"

Radio silence.

"You'll be the first we call if he doesn't work out."

What was I supposed to say? I fell for the dangling carrots. Hollywood, baby. It felt straight out of a movie: 

Girl leaves it all behind for Hollywood dreams, only to be disappointed. 

I realized something fairly quickly though...I am not just Girl. I do not have one dream, one option, or one chance. I'll slow down on the cheesiness, but it is true. I would not have left if I didn't know that this may not work out. I knew that I was coming back to where it all started, my home, my inspiration: This is my impetus. To me, there is no greater driving force than failure. Although, I did not necessarily fail, I still find this bitter pill to be nothing more than another reason for me to keep going. 

If anything, there's at least sunshine here.