Filmmaker & Artist

Musings

Handstands & Glitter

I remember you with a hoodie over your head. You looked good. I do not know why you just do. I like that it obscures you and at the turn of a glance I can see your tenderness as the creases of your eyes smirk in a way that is more beautiful than any smile that I have ever seen. I tell you, you look good- you laugh and agree. Whenever I laugh with you, I become hyper-aware. I think, better yet, wonder, if you are watching me smile and thinking thoughts similar to mine. You told me that you think about my almond shaped eyes and that you could never forget the way my hands looked. Pick them out of a lineup. My cheeks flushed for hours. To even be on your mind in such a way rings my heart. I feel swollen reaching toward that memory.

I want to know you and love you. I am aware we are distant lovers. When I remember all is not so simple, I do not want to look your way; I do not want to look into your eyes. You do it as well. This pattern has become bizarrely comforting and revealing of the glass box that confines us. At least there we are together. 

My efforts to not be driven mad are frail. The reels just hit me. Flickers of images. The light. Even the light reminds me of you; those moments in the magic hour where we would just smile and our tongues would slip into words we step around so cautiously, those moments do not escape. Each moment encapsulates my entire being. 

You grabbing me and lifting me up. Laying me down. Grabbing my hand and holding it tight. Me leaning into your chest, never looking up, only in. I am attached and hollow. It stings. To merely sit next to you is a divine pleasure, the sweetest of kinds. I never want to leave your orbit. 

You have the kind of sweetness that makes me drunk with childlike desire and darkness that sucks me into oblivion. We share a beautiful and gregarious detachment with the rest of the world. We float in stillness when we are one. We are never void. I want to be where you are. 

Your allure stretches beyond composition. Your vision, your art, your composure, your humor, all of its nuance; I am dizzy. I did not know that I was going to love you. Love has never existed like this to me. I have only known something much different. I jumped into your water.

I know that I need to be careful. Self-preservation one may say. I know the stakes, the risks, the circumstances. It is all a bit unsavory; Undeniably so. But if I get to catch the glimmer of your smile at any moment of time, here and now, far and distant, I will not look away. I will always turn back. 

For now,  independence of my feelings saddles me. We are set free to manage all of life and its expectations. Perhaps, in the end, we will walk down the street - you will not pull up your hood but grab my hand instead. 

Did we ever say no?